I just lost a big brother, my cousin David. In honor of the ways in which he contributed to the shape of my Life and work, I am publishing the eulogy I delivered at the Celebration of His Life.
As-Salaam-Alaikum.*
That was for David. If he were here, he would have laughed at me for that—especially if he were sitting with my family over there.
I sat next to David at enough funerals throughout my life where he made me laugh the whole time. Maybe he just didn’t want me to be sad, but David was definitely about that mischief. So, here, at the celebration of his life, I invite you to laugh and have a good time with one another.
Two days before I got the call that my cousin had been rushed to the hospital, I had a conversation with a friend about why at people's funerals they always make the deceased person out to be such an angel. They were always rescuing puppies and helping old ladies across the street.
Little did I know I was just about to find out. All I’m remembering now are the good times. All I can remember is him being a good big brother and cousin. How he made me laugh and how he taught me about hip hop.
So let me begin by saying that My Cousin David was always rescuing puppies and helping old ladies across the street.
David demonstrated to me way back when I was just old enough to eat cereal and milk for breakfast that he would use his connections, his influence, and his position in the family to benefit me and my brother. He spent many weekends at our house and we spent some at his. But when David stayed at our house, that’s when my mother got the best snacks and the best cereal.
We used to eat Kix cereal, the boring kind, but David could get whatever he wanted, so asked for the good cereals, Cookie Crisp and S’Mores Crunch, stuff with way too much sugar. Thanks to him, we upped our cereal game.
Everybody in our house hated milk. Couldn’t stand it except to put in on cereal. But when David came, we got stuff like Nestle’s Quik or Hershey’s syrup so we could drink chocolate milk the way David liked. I didn’t even like chocolate milk, but the thought of not being cool like David? I couldn’t take that.
Around 1985, I got a chalkboard and chalk to play with. I was 7 years old, and David was about 11 or 12. He could have told me he didn’t want to play with a little kid’s chalk and chalkboard. But instead, he used that chalkboard to teach me all the rappers in the movie Krush Groove, and all their government names. Jam Master Jay is Jason Mizell, LL Cool J is James Todd Smith, and so on.
When the Beastie Boys' License to Ill came out, David got that tape for Christmas, and a new Walkman – where the headphones had the piece you could detach one so someone else could listen. Do you know he let me listen to that whole License to Ill album either holding the other earphone to my ear? Or, he would let me have the Walkman to myself when he was playing video games with my brother.
Anything important I know about hip hop, it was because David played Slick Rick and Schooly D and Public Enemy and everything else repeatedly until I knew all the words. He taught me hip hop facts by pointing out the rappers in the posters on his wall. I love that he respected me enough as a little kid to take the time to actually teach me hip hop. Because he knew I would listen and remember.
Years later, when I was writing my first book, David was locked up. But since I had been writing to him, I sent him the chapters of my book as I finished them. So, he was the very first person who got to read my first book. He was going through that tough of a time, but helping ME out by reading my work. Hip Hop heads, it makes me think of Talib Kweli’s “Get By”…
Even when the condition is critical / when the livin' is miserable /
Your position is pivotal / I ain't bullshittin' you.
Eighteen years after that, when I got my PhD, I was on stage, and they were putting the hood on me to pronounce me “Doctor,” and in the two seconds it was quiet in the arena, I heard David’s big mouth. “Tahira!!”
And I laughed, I was so proud. I was proud to be Black, because you know there weren’t that many of us. And I was proud that when I got MY doctorate, Cherry Hill** was in the building.
David was my first professor. With all that, I wouldn’t even say I knew my cousin well. Because times when I'd expect him to get ignorant—and he could get real ignorant—he would show patience and compassion. Times when I'd think he would show patience and compassion, he got ignorant.
But just like David, Life itself is full of contradictions. It’s complicated. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It is what it is. We don't have to pick these contradictions up, we don't have to put them down. But we should be aware of the contradictions, and seek them out, because in those in-between spaces of Life are where we find our wisdom.
The first scripture I offer to you today is about wisdom, from Proverbs, Chapter 3:
Happy is the man that has found wisdom, and the man that gets discernment;
For having it as gain is better than having silver as gain and having it as produce than gold itself;
It is more precious than corals, and all other delights of yours cannot be made equal to it.
You’ll see on the back of the obituary, selected scriptures are based on the letters in the name David.
Do not let yourself be conquered by the evil, but keep conquering the evil with the good. - Romans 12:21
Us celebrating the goodness of David with one another today, is one way that we conquer evil with good.
And all the things you ask in prayer, having faith, you will receive. - Matthew 21:22
David made life changes that were MIRACULOUS. And I know there are more of us in here who have made miraculous changes in our lives. People prayed for us, and we prayed for ourselves, having faith that we would overcome our challenges. We have some loved ones who didn’t even live to see their prayers for us answered. But they were answered, and they will be answered.
John 21:18 says, Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.
None of us knows how old we will live to be. We don’t know if we will be called home suddenly or after a long illness where others had to take care of us. We also have no idea whose job it will be to take care of us at the end of our life—family we like, family we don’t like, or hospital staff, or nursing home or assisted living staff. Because we don’t know, let’s sow good seeds whenever and wherever we can remember to. Sometimes it does seem like people get dumber and more ignorant every day. But, when we have faith in prayer that we encounter good people, we can confidently walk through life expecting goodness from other people, while we are alive and able, and when we are sick and in need of somebody’s—anybody’s—kindness and care.
Psalms 27:10 says, In case my own father and my own mother did leave me, even Jehovah himself would take me up.
Whatever circumstances have kept or taken away one or both of our biological parents, one of the ways we acknowledge God’s taking us up is by acknowledging the Life and the Power that connects everything. God works through people, and AS people. Through situations, as situations. Even as things in nature, like the beauty we notice and even the animals we care for. I think about the love and companionship David shared with the dogs he has had over the years. That, too, is God, showing up, as Love, as Life, as happiness, as companionship.
Do not become envious of the man of violence, nor choose any of his ways. - Proverbs 3:31
Another translation of this is “Do not envy the oppressor or choose any of his ways.” We come from communities that know both. Men of violence and oppressors. Let us not be envious of what other people seem to get away with. We have faith in the Law of the Universe, what goes around comes around. So we will sow good seeds and we will see patience, and understanding, and grace show up for us.
And bringing it right back around, I say again: Do not let yourself be conquered by the evil, but keep conquering the evil with the good.
Amen.
*I am proud to report that 80% of the room responded, “Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.”
**Ask somebody from Baltimore about Cherry Hill.
Comments